Sydney couldn’t believe her luck. She’d gotten the last cinnamon/ raisin/chocolate chip bagel at the deli this morning. She found an empty seat on the subway and had it all to herself all the way to work. On her way home, as she turned the corner at Elm and Rose, she found a twenty-dollar bill just lying on the curb. She picked it up and stuffed it in her pocket as she fit her keys into her front door. But Sydney would never have a chance to spend that twenty because horror waited on the other side. Sydney’s lucky day was also her last.
I like the specific detail in this. You get a clear picture and a tone. It’s just not quite creepy enough. I’d like to see a little more foreshadowing.
Perhaps a second paragraph where she actually enters home and the “horror” begins to happen would have made this a strong entry.
Would I keep reading? Probably for a few more paragraphs, depending on what happens next.